death by complications.

i'm feeling worse today. i'm not like this, i know i'm not like this.

i feel physically and emotionally battered, yet i don't know if it's just me or if there's anyone who makes me feel like a fuckup.
i am insane. i never believed it till the moment cheska asked if i'm okay. i don't know why, but i knew that moment, i am insane. i am insane.

i never believed in emotional degradation. i never believed in insanity. to make it more clear, i never imagined i'd actually experience madness. for the fact that i feel like the world just sucks, i can't help but cry. i can't put even an inch of glee in my life right now.

i am sad, troubled, worried, tired, helpless, and i don't know what to do. i want my life back. i want my freedom back. i feel like i'm enslaved by my responsibilities.

i hope i'm not doing too much drama. it's sad coz i know there are lots of people who suck worse than i do. i just have to feel like i can. i just have to feel like a winner. i just have to emancipate myself from these thoughts, free myself from worrying too much on things. that's a difficult challenge, i know it wouldn't take just a snap to get rid of these complications. it would take much strength, much, much strength.

i wish there'll be more to life than doing great, i wish i could be proud of what i can do and not be ashamed of what i can't. i wish my life, in effect, would be vital to someone else's. i wish i could get rid of my insecurities, my greed, my pride. i wish to die happy.

and if these things fail, i wish my next life to be full of contentment, happiness, and harmony.
then it'll all fall into place.

*slumber*